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Parenting the Puberty - Dealing with the Questions

Dark Cabbage 1 July 2007 Maturity 10 views No Comment  Print This Post

Picture this - a single father (possibly widower) whose daughter is starting to ask questions that he does not feel equipped to answer as she is moving into the age of puberty.

A while back I heard about an issue involving a widower seeking advice as he was in the exact situation described. Nowadays, it seems like parents are struggling to find the right answers to their children’s questions about puberty, and especially about the physical changes that are occurring. The timing of these issues coincides with the transition from the fun and safe environment of primary school to the more hectic life at high school, where both dreams and heart are often broken and then mended, only to be broken more severely the next time round. Isn’t it great that on one hand the poor soul is trying to be depressed due to the physical changes that are happening, and on the other preoccupied with thoughts (possibly dirty ones) about some Mary/Joe in Science class. Don’t be so freaked out because it is only normal at this age to dwell on such thoughts since hormones are running all over the place which mess up the mind in an awful manner. For many people, they still find that their hormones are still running wild even at the age of 184 (which I shall not make any more comments on…those dirty old farts). Oops, that was one of my hormones running into the wrong place.

We tend to give opinions or advice based on our knowledge and, to some extent, our personal experience. However, it is not easy for a mother to explain to her son why hair is growing at places where there was none originally, or for a father to explain to his daughter about bras and what she should use for that time of the month. Correct me if I’m wrong on this girls, because I am not one myself so there you have it - one of these days I may find myself in a similar situation. Not all parents are unequipped with the answers. Some are experts at it even, but can you imagine a father sitting down with his daughter and delivering a lecture on periods? It’s very uncomfortable for the father, let alone the daughter. For those of you who are females, try to picture your father giving you these talks. With mothers and sons, sometimes it’s alright because it’s not as bad. The biggest concern (or most obvious change) with boys turning into men is probably the change in voice which she might be able to give an explanation scientifically. It’s embarrassing for the guys at first but he’ll get over it when others around his age are starting to crack their voices as well.

The biological side of things can always be dealt with in many different indirect ways if the parents feel uncomfortable or unequipped to do so. The first thing to do when they ask questions you feel uncomfortable answering is to take them to the family doctor and have him/her explain it to your children. Don’t make them think that you don’t want to hold responsibility by leaving it all to the doctor though. Tell them that you cannot answer this as well as their doctor. Before taking them to the doctor, give them a brief overview of what to expect if you can, like about how the physical changes are signs that show they are on the stage of moving into adulthood - that they are caused by hormones in the body, and everyone around this age will be facing the same thing. “However, I cannot explain these changes as well as your family doctor, so I’ll take you there first thing in the morning and you can ask him/her about these yourself. I won’t be present in the room if you don’t want me to”. This gives them a sense of independence and supports the idea that they are turning into adults so the need for a father or mother figure in the room is not always necessary. Give your doctor a call first though to explain the situation and seek their advice on the issue because you may want to know what may occur in that room. I know it’s bad that you are sort of lying to your children but remember they are still not yet adults. Giving them reassurance that they are becoming adults is a way to show that the changes are good so that their esteem and confidence are not lowered.

Another way is to talk to other people in the same situation as you. The main source would be other parents. Normally the best time to strike up a conversation with them is when you are waiting to pick up your child after school. Attend seminars, talks, or meetings that relate to the issue, usually held at school. Speak to the school’s counsellors to see whether they can organise a meeting for parents who are in the same situation to come along and share/discuss ideas.

As mentioned, the parents’ advice is generally based upon knowledge that are shaped by personal experience. Unfortunately personal experience varies with each individual so their children’s problems may not even appear in their database. Time is always moving so the parent’s first crush experience may not be the same as their child. Sending a love letter is probably what they would have done back then, but nowadays it’s all phones and emails or online chat services. Consequently their advice may be outdated. This is the reason why it is not always possible for children to relate the parent of the same sex when it comes to these more intimate issues. When circumstances do not allow them to execute one ore more of the options listed then the last resource is found inside a bookstore. You can make a safe bet that there are books out there that are written by professional psychologists who are experts at this field which can give you some ideas on how to approach the situation.

If you can somehow manage to give some advice then great. If not, then at least be a good listener. No matter what you do, being a good listener is important. Even if you cannot give advice, at least you are acting as a great confidante - which is expected of all parents. This may not help with their problems as much but at least you’re building a good relationship. The problems will be solved sooner or later by themselves or with the help of peers. Remember though that there are no dead-ends. Just because you cannot answer something doesn’t make you a terrible parent. Listen to their problems even if you think it’s a waste of time.

Believe me, it’s worth it.

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